TGIF.

I really suck at updating, it's true.


Lately I have been reading all my old LiveJournal entries. I do this about once a year, starting about 3 years ago. It's a complete mixture of emotions. Mainly digust. Every other entry mentions me wanting to die, or sucking at life. But then several entries after that, I will be shitting on people for feeling bad about themselves, and claiming that if your life is so bad - do something about it. I was truly hypocritical and obviously overlooked the fact that I was the biggest whiner of them all. It was all about being lonely because I was fat. 9 out of 10 entries  (maybe even 10 out of 10) mentions me needing to go out a diet - or something to that affect. Years later, here I am - still fat. Apparently none of what I tried seemed to work. I noticed that the complaining seemed to die down quite a bit once Keegan and I became official. Which basically tells me that my feeling bad about myself truly came from not having any boys interested in me. Even when Ryan and Keegan were devoting every moment of their lives hanging out with me - I wasn't sold on the fact that one of them was going to fall in love with me. I grew increasingly uncomfortable with the fact that I would be forever stuck in the "friend zone". The great thing about it is that I found a soulmate in Keegan, and a life long friend in Ryan. All in all, it worked out exactly the way it was supposed to!


I also realized how hateful I was to not only myself, but anyone that pissed me off. I guess I could just say it was all my teenage/early 20's angst... but I think it was more an intense jealousy that manifested itself in anger. And the more I think about it, that's exactly what it was. I was hating on Briana for getting with Eddie, I was hating on Katie for getting with Justin, and I was hating on everyone who wasn't on my side everytime I was mad. At the time it felt completely justified in every way. It's amazing how someone can mature in just a matter of a few years... Although I do realize that I still expect things that are not so realistic from my friends. For instance, I expected to remain just as much a part of everyone's lives as I did before I got pregnant. Unfortunately that just doesn't happen. Things change, and it's a very hard thing to accept. Even as I say that I still feel upset about it - but I recognize that it's just the way it is, and going to be.


On a completely different note... we had a 3D/4D ultrasound for Lexi yesterday! Keegan and I decided to drop $120 on that endeavor as our one year anniversary present to each other. It's not like we can take a trip or go out and get drunk... so why not go for a sneak peak of our offspring? I think she looks just like him. The cheeks on this kid are unreal! I hope they are that big when she comes out! But on the same note, I hope they don't get any bigger or they may take over her whole head, haha. She also has quite the nose, or so it appears in photos. No one on either side of our family really have big noses... except for Steven, my biological father. He's 100% Armenian, and that could have skipped right over me and his other kids and gone right to mine! Wouldn't that be some shit! Anyway, I am hoping it's not actually as big as it looks, or that it's at least round and cute and not pointy! haha.


My mother still hasn't RSVP'd to my baby shower. She has until September 9th, but my dad thinks that she'll probably wait until the 11th, if she RSVP's at all. If she doesn't plan on attending, then I will make sure she knows she isn't welcome to be at the hospital when Lexi is born. I'd be surprised if she shows up then anyway.


I can't believe we've been married (almost) a year. Time flies! I feel like the pregnancy has put things in slow-mo... but somehow it's almost September 12? Geez. A year ago I was flipping out about having a wedding... planning, exercising, tanning. Man, it was like I was a different person last year. Well, I guess I was. I was an unmarried 23 year old that was the thinnest (and tannest) she'd been since high school. I was feeling good. Fast forward to this year... I am 7.5 months pregnant, gained like 50 pounds since the wedding - and while I am not pasty white, I am certainly not as evenly tanned as I was last year!


Amidst all this sadness about weight gain, friend disconnect, and overall life change... I have to stop and realize how lucky I am. Not only was I lucky enough to get pregnant AFTER marriage (haha), but look who I am married to! I am truly convinced that there is not a better man out there. At least not for me. He is an incredible friend, and the best husband a girl could ask for. There is no doubt in my mind that he is going to be a freakin fantastic father! I may be unhappy with the way I look, or the place we are in our lives financially - but all that it really comes down to is love. And I have more love in my life than I could have even dreamed about. It's love you see in the movies and didn't know actually existed.


If I could give any of my single friends advice it would be not to settle. Everyone is so worried about getting older and all their friends getting engaged/married, having kids, etc... But stop and look at these scenarios. Are all of them truly happy? Many people just rush into relationships because they think their time is running out, and if they break up with a boyfriend that they've had for years or something, by the time they find someone else - they'll be too far along in life. Or if they're single and our grabbing at every man that shows them any interest, and decides to settle on the one that shows the most interest.... does that mean he is the best one? Granted, Keegan and I were only together 6 months before we were engaged - but we were engaged nearly 3 years before we were married! It's a lot easier (and more acceptable) to break off an engagement than a marriage. I never had any doubt that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and I honestly haven't had a doubt since. We didn't get cold feet at our wedding, we never had second thoughts. And when I got pregnant, never once did I feel "stuck" or scared that we wouldn't be together forever. I mean, sure - we fight when it's necessary, because fights are inevitable. But it has never gotten to the point where either of us had ever wanted to walk away from the relationship, or even threaten that. Our relationship is one of those where you just KNOW that it is the real deal, and it's going to be forever.... and the relationship takes no effort because the love is always there.


I don't know how I got all Dr. Phil - I think it's the hormones. Regardless, I just want everyone to understand that even if you don't believe in soulmates... there is no denying the feeling that you feel when you are in love with the right person. It's an incessant feeling too - not just an occasional butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling. You'll know it. I promise. Just... wait for it.